Something is stirring

Lately I've been feeling God's tug on my heart more and more, and every day it's stronger, more prevalent. I can even pinpoint it's origin - since the day one of my baby girls came home from the hospital (come on, Evie, we're waiting for you!). In fact as I write this now I am sitting in the rocking chair in our nursery listening to London's little coos and endearing grunts (yes, my daughter is a grunter) while she sleeps (which will only last another 30 minutes or so, based on her ever increasing noises and movements). I don't know how or why, but since that time something has changed within me. I find myself longing for more, yearning to go deeper, to be different, to step outside of the little bubble I feel like I've been living in. I have technically been a mother since September 16th, but it was only once I was actually in charge of this precious little baby's care that things really began changing. Now that I have a responsibility to these girls, my motivations are changing rapidly. From small things like doing laundry every day (if you know me, you probably don't believe this) to large things like a desire need to revamp my entire world. Actually, I feel like that's exactly what God is calling me to do - and I am getting so excited.

I'm currently reading a book called Revolutions in World Missions by K P Yohannan, and even just a few chapters in I felt my spirit stirring. For so long now I have been living a life of safe consistency (barring a few obstacles with my pregnancy and the days immediately following). Things like miracles and the frightening power of God had become almost fairy tales in my life. Sure, I believed in those things. Back then. But not anymore. No, no. Now God is the tame constant companion in my tame constant life. It wasn't like this always though. When I was younger I lived with a fervor for Christ. I believed wholeheartedly in his miracles and that he was still alive and active in the world. I was also somewhat of a zealot. I was judgmental and somewhat haughty, I was harsh towards those who I believed were not living the way they should. Even though I, myself, made some huge mistakes, I also had huge faith. It seemed a fair balance to me.



And then I grew up a little. I went to churches that tainted my view on Christianity a little. I was dragged down a little. My conscience became dulled little, by little, by little, until my walk with Christ was little more than an hour in church on Sundays (the Sundays I managed to go, that is). I began to compromise on life. Things that were so blatantly black and white before turned into shades of gray. I did, however, learn more of mercy and grace - this is one of the redeeming qualities I feel I gained from that time in my life. I stopped being so judgmental. Sadly, this turned into lowering of standards, which turned into a "to each their own" mentality - until I came to a point where I was practically setting no standards at all. I feel like I drifted from one extreme to another.


But that's all changing now, I feel my spirit beginning to awaken again. Like something ancient shaking off the dust and beginning to rise from its stagnancy. I feel like I now understand the depth behind C.S. Lewis's quote, "Some day you will be old enough to start reading fairy tales again". I have moved past my self importance, I am old enough to know that I don't know much, and I believe that is the beginning of knowledge. I feel the coals that were barely smoldering being stoked, and the flames growing hotter. I feel myself coming back to life. My thoughts are being reinforced almost everywhere, in passing comments with strangers, songs on the radio, conversations with friends.

Today I felt God's presence in a way I have not experienced in a long time. Too long. It was obvious and intense and unmistakable that this is the path I am meant to begin heading down. All that's left to discover is where it will take me. I am becoming impassioned about finding out His will and plan, so I am going to dive into the word more, spend more time in prayer, and just wait for Him to speak to me again.

So many questions lay before me, but there's one thing I know without a doubt. This is real.