Something is stirring

Lately I've been feeling God's tug on my heart more and more, and every day it's stronger, more prevalent. I can even pinpoint it's origin - since the day one of my baby girls came home from the hospital (come on, Evie, we're waiting for you!). In fact as I write this now I am sitting in the rocking chair in our nursery listening to London's little coos and endearing grunts (yes, my daughter is a grunter) while she sleeps (which will only last another 30 minutes or so, based on her ever increasing noises and movements). I don't know how or why, but since that time something has changed within me. I find myself longing for more, yearning to go deeper, to be different, to step outside of the little bubble I feel like I've been living in. I have technically been a mother since September 16th, but it was only once I was actually in charge of this precious little baby's care that things really began changing. Now that I have a responsibility to these girls, my motivations are changing rapidly. From small things like doing laundry every day (if you know me, you probably don't believe this) to large things like a desire need to revamp my entire world. Actually, I feel like that's exactly what God is calling me to do - and I am getting so excited.

I'm currently reading a book called Revolutions in World Missions by K P Yohannan, and even just a few chapters in I felt my spirit stirring. For so long now I have been living a life of safe consistency (barring a few obstacles with my pregnancy and the days immediately following). Things like miracles and the frightening power of God had become almost fairy tales in my life. Sure, I believed in those things. Back then. But not anymore. No, no. Now God is the tame constant companion in my tame constant life. It wasn't like this always though. When I was younger I lived with a fervor for Christ. I believed wholeheartedly in his miracles and that he was still alive and active in the world. I was also somewhat of a zealot. I was judgmental and somewhat haughty, I was harsh towards those who I believed were not living the way they should. Even though I, myself, made some huge mistakes, I also had huge faith. It seemed a fair balance to me.



And then I grew up a little. I went to churches that tainted my view on Christianity a little. I was dragged down a little. My conscience became dulled little, by little, by little, until my walk with Christ was little more than an hour in church on Sundays (the Sundays I managed to go, that is). I began to compromise on life. Things that were so blatantly black and white before turned into shades of gray. I did, however, learn more of mercy and grace - this is one of the redeeming qualities I feel I gained from that time in my life. I stopped being so judgmental. Sadly, this turned into lowering of standards, which turned into a "to each their own" mentality - until I came to a point where I was practically setting no standards at all. I feel like I drifted from one extreme to another.


But that's all changing now, I feel my spirit beginning to awaken again. Like something ancient shaking off the dust and beginning to rise from its stagnancy. I feel like I now understand the depth behind C.S. Lewis's quote, "Some day you will be old enough to start reading fairy tales again". I have moved past my self importance, I am old enough to know that I don't know much, and I believe that is the beginning of knowledge. I feel the coals that were barely smoldering being stoked, and the flames growing hotter. I feel myself coming back to life. My thoughts are being reinforced almost everywhere, in passing comments with strangers, songs on the radio, conversations with friends.

Today I felt God's presence in a way I have not experienced in a long time. Too long. It was obvious and intense and unmistakable that this is the path I am meant to begin heading down. All that's left to discover is where it will take me. I am becoming impassioned about finding out His will and plan, so I am going to dive into the word more, spend more time in prayer, and just wait for Him to speak to me again.

So many questions lay before me, but there's one thing I know without a doubt. This is real.

Technological Generation

On my way home from dinner tonight my husband told me that when we arrived at home he was going to watch some football and go to bed, and asked if that's what I would be doing as well. I shrugged non-nonchalantly and he said "well not JUST watch football, obviously, you'd have your laptop too." He then commented on how we always have more than one electronic entertaining us at one time, and how it'd be fun to just use one sometime. I reminded him that we did when we watched a movie the other night and he said it didn't count because we were doing another activity (putting together a ridiculously poorly designed changing table). The conversation was about 15 seconds long, but it made me think for the remainder of our 20 minute car ride about the truth behind what he said.

We are a technological generation. Cell phones, laptops, Ipads, mp3 players, Kindles, Blackberries. We have it all, and we use it all, sometimes all at once, on a daily basis. Our minds are so completely over stimulated that we've become almost "immune" to the effects of a single event. When was the last time that you watched a movie, and just the movie? In the theater, we are texting; at home, we're on our laptops. We've become so used to one thing, we now need more to keep our attention - it's like an addiction. Rather, I'd say it IS an addiction. And almost everyone I know is "guilty" of this - myself included, and probably more so than others.

At the same time, I desire to know God, and often wonder how I can know him more? How can I be closer? Psalm 46:10 tells us. "Be still and know that I am God"

Be still.

It seems an almost impossible feat these days! And I believe it is MEANT to be that way. Now, I am not one of those "Technology is evil" people. No no. I love the technology that we have and what it has done for our world. Mostly. Medical advances have kept my daughters alive, the internet helps us keep in touch with people we would otherwise lose contact with, we can find information that we need in the blink of an eye, computers make things much more convenient. But there's another side to the coin. Pornography is available at our fingertips at any second, movies bombard us with sex, drugs, and violence, and the radio is no better. They are overwhelming distractions, all designed to pull our attention away from the one voice that matters. The smallest voice in the crowd. The one that merely whispers our name and waits for us to listen and respond.

Even while I was in the midst of these things, and asking God to speak to me, to reveal His voice to me, my thoughts drifted with the radio. It was truly a struggle to keep my focus on my prayer, and I could literally feel my mind being tugged away. It reminded me of that video that I saw on the internet - it was a drama put to the song "Everything" by Lifehouse. I'm sure you've seen it, if you haven't you can watch it here. Satan does not want us to be still. He wants us to rush rush rush through life, from one mindless distraction to another, in order to keep us from hearing what God has to say.

So tonight I said a prayer. I asked God to still my heart, quiet my mind, and whisper to me that I might hear him. I want to hear him. I need to hear him.

Don't you?

London and Evie are here - Our birth story!

On Wednesday morning I had my scheduled ultrasound to measure the girls' growth. Going into the day I knew that if Evie hadn't grown much that there was a real possibility we would be moving towards delivery. After 45 minutes of scanning and measuring we discovered that Evie only grew 30 grams - which she should have grown in a day, by normal standards. They told us she was weighing in at around 1 lb 14 oz. I then learned that even London's growth was slowing down, and she was now measuring at only the 19th percentile - a month ago she was at the 40th. I knew in my gut that this meant we would be delivering, but I was wheeled back to my room to wait for the doctor. 15 minutes later I met with Dr. Sandruck, the high risk OB on, and she told me that my babies were no longer growing like they should be and would do better on the outside than they were staying in, so they were inducing. I frantically made phone calls and began packing up my room so that I could be moved to the Labor and Delivery wing. The waiting is always the worst part, and poor Marcus was staying at work until they actually began to induce. I was warned that the induction process could take anywhere from 12 hours to 2 or 3 days, so to be prepared for the long road ahead.
They wheeled me over to L&D at 1pm and I got settled in and waited for my doctor and Marcus arrived shortly after and at 4pm we began the induction. I honestly could not have been more excited. We had known all along that the girls were going to be premature, but the fact that they made it as far as they did bolstered my spirits, and lets be honest - I was SO ready to be done with this pregnancy. To begin they inserted Cervidil, a string like contraption to help my cervix soften and get it ready for induction, which I had to leave in for 12 hours before beginning the Petocin. I was hooked up to an NST machine to monitor the babies heartbeats the entire time to make sure they were tolerating the induction. My mom showed up a few hours later, her excitement only increased mine. She was so wonderful while she was with me, rubbing my legs, which the contractions were hurting for some reason, ticking my arm, rubbing my head, whatever I needed she was there. I love my mommy and am so grateful to her for all her help and support. Around 8pm I started having slight contractions that became more and more frequent until finally they lasted about 45 seconds each and were about 4 minutes apart. It was at this point that I really regretted not reading those birthing books, having assumed I was just going to have a c-section, but I was able to breathe through them fairly easily for the time being.


At 4am they came in and checked my cervix, I had gone from 2cm dilated to about 3.5 cm dilated and had softened enough that they were comfortable starting the Petocin, so at 8 am they began the drip. My contractions became more intense and the babies seemed to tolerate it well. Around 5:30pm my water broke on its own *hooray!* I was SO excited lol My nurse said she couldn't believe how much fluid there was, but we would find out later that both the girls' water broke at the exact same time. At that point the doctor came in to examine me and discovered I was 5.5 cm dilated and 75% effaced, he said from that point on I should expect to dilate another 1 cm every hour, but that he was surprised how quickly I was moving along. The contractions became even more intense and the doctors kept asking me if I wanted an epidural, but honestly it was nothing I couldn't breathe through. so I kept declining.  Everything looked so promising at that point, and I knew we were close! Unfortunately it was right around this time that I started feeling ridiculously sick to my stomach again. My doctor said she thought it was a combination of not eating for over 24 hours, sleep deprivation, and the labor kicking in. Puking in labor has now become my LEAST favorite thing to do. (Puking in labor during a contraction while getting a Spinal is even worse, but we'll get to that later). The contractions were now about 1 minute long and 3 - 4 minutes apart, and I was still holding my own without an epidural.
Unfortunately right around this time - as the contractions were at their most intense - the girls' heart rates started dropping dramatically every time I would have a contraction. My doctor decided to take me off the NST machine and switch to internal fetal monitoring - where they put a tiny monitor on baby A's head to get a more consistent reading. At this point they also injected some fluid back into my uterus to try and help cushion the contractions. After watching for about 20 minutes I realized her heart still wasn't handling the contractions well, so I called the doctor in and we talked about our options. She said based on how far dilated I was (7cm at this point) and the fact that the baby still hadn't completely dropped that we were looking at probably another 2 - 3 hours of labor. I have always wanted to have a natural delivery, but at that point I realized no birth plan was worth risking my girls going into heart failure. I trust my doctor completely, so I asked her what she thought was best. She said knowing what we do, with still so many hours to go, the safest thing would to take them via c-section, but that it was entirely my choice. I knew she was right, so I told her that I thought it was best if we just went in for the C-section now.

They turned off the petocin and called the surgical team to begin preparations for my girls. It was at this point that my contractions hit their peak, they became harder to simply breathe through, and I continued having them all the way to the OR. They walked me through the process and began to administer the Spinal block, a shot in my back that would cause me to go "numb" from the ribs downward. One last contraction and the spinal was administered. It was at this point that we discovered why the contractions had suddenly gotten so much worse - in an hour I had gone from 7cm to fully dilated. My doctor told me before she started and said that while I had dilated completely, it would still be a little while for the baby to drop, as she was still pretty high up - but that it was my choice whether or not I wanted to wait and try pushing or continue with the C-section. I decided for the sake safety, and the fact that I had already gotten the spinal, I was going to continue with the C-section. So with Marcus by my side, they began.

I remember it being the strangest sensation, with 3 pairs of hands in my abdomen pushing and pulling at my muscles. About 30 minutes later they announced to me that they were about to take the girls out, and then at 8:18pm on September 16th, 2010 they were here. I wasn't able to see them because of the sheet they had up between us, but I heard my sweet little girls cry and I gripped Marcus' hand tighter. They began closing me back up for what seemed like forever, and then they wheeled the girls past me in their incubators. I saw London first - she weighed 3lbs 3oz and was 15 and 1/8 inches long. She was perfect, 10 fingers, 10 toes, and she looked like a tiny human being. Then they took her off to the NICU and Evie's incubator took her place. At 2lbs 1oz and 14 and 3/4 inches long, she looked like a little baby doll. They told me both girls were breathing on their own, though they would be on a CPAP (an oxygen tube that is inserted into their noses) until they were sure everything was stable. But my little girls were ok.

I was in recovery for about 2 hours, still incredibly sick to my stomach and completely drained mentally and physically. It had been a long sleepless 35 hours. They brought me back to my room where I fell asleep within seconds.

I saw the girls about 1 pm this afternoon for the first time since they were born. They were so tiny in their little incubators, but they were so precious. Evie is actually doing better with her breathing than London, but they expect both will be breathing 100% on their own without any medical intervention by tomorrow. We're also hoping I will be able to hold the girls tomorrow as well, but it may still be a few days before that can happen. I am just so blessed that they are hanging in there as well as they are. I have begun pumping and hope to get my milk in soon, but for now they are not eating - just receiving nutrition via IV. They nurse said that feeding will be our first big hurdle, but I am praying they take to it easily when the time comes. I'm sore, as is to be expected, and will just be resting up the next few days, but so far my recovery is going well. We will update on the girls as we go along, and thank you all for your love and prayers and support - we love you all!

Evie Alexandria Martin

Evie looking at mommy

Daddy with his littlest girl

London Aubrey Rose

My sweet little girl

Daddy and London

Bedside blogging, Day 16 - D Day

This morning I woke up to nurses going through our usual routine - blood pressure, dopplers, medication, etc. I was anxious to get the day started because I knew I was having an ultrasound that would determine our next course of action in regards to delivery. I ordered my breakfast and by the time I was done they were wheeling the chair over to bring me in for my ultrasound. From watching the tech take the measurements I could tell that both of my girls were smaller than they should be, I just wondered if they'd grown at all - which was the determining factor in delivering or not. She finished the exam after about 45 minutes and said she wanted to call the doctor to have her look over the results, so I was wheeled back to my room to wait. About 15 minutes later the high risk OB (or Perientologist) came in and shook my hand and said "So! We're inducing you today". I was thankful for the bluntness, to be honest. She told me that Evie only grew 30 grams over the past two weeks - at this point she should be growing that much per day/every two days. Even London's growth was slowing down, which is a little concerning and makes us think the placenta is breaking down or that my pre-eclampsia is causing more issues. As of right now Evie is *just* a hair under 2 lbs and London is just over 3 lbs.
Right now I am waiting for a room to open up in Labor and Delivery and then I will be moving over there, at which point they will begin inducing me. I'm going to be on a Petocin drip to induce me, and we're not sure how long it's going to take from there. It could be a few hours, or it could be a day or two, it's really uncertain and all depends on how my body responds and how "ready" it is for labor. Marcus is still at work and is just waiting for me to let him know when they begin inducing before he leaves, poor guy is so anxious lol.
I'm nervous, I'm nervous for delivery and I'm nervous for my little twincesses. I know they're going to be small and I'm praying that they do well on the outside. I'm laying here feeling them flip flop around in my belly, knowing this is the last day I'll ever feel them kick, is sort of sad. I love keeping them close and while I will be SO glad to be done with this pregnancy, I am going to miss my girls. It's so surreal to think in a few hours I will see their little faces and touch their tiny toes. Please keep the girls in your prayers, we're going to have a few rough weeks ahead of us. And if you wanted to send out a prayer for their mama, I wouldn't complain ;)

Bedside blogging, Day 11

Sorry for the lack of new posts lately, but not much has changed until today. Up until a few days ago everything was holding steady and my OB wanted me to make it to 32 weeks before we had to deliver (I am 31 weeks and 1 day today). So the daily NSTs (non stress tests - which monitors the babies' heart activity) and weekly ultrasounds continued. This week Evie has failed 3 out of 4 of her NSTs, which has resulted in ultrasounds to ensure everything was okay. So far the ultrasounds looked fine, with the exception of the reversal blood flow in her umbilical cord, which they have been seeing more consistently.
This morning a high risk OB came in to talk to me and said based on the fact that she's beginning to fail the NSTs and that they're seeing more persistent reversal flow, we may now be at the point where it's better to deliver than it is to keep them in. We're going to do another NST today and I also have an ultrasound scheduled - based on the results from those, we may be delivering as soon as today. Still, we've said that before, everything depends on the results of the tests today. We will keep you posted as we know more. Prayers are still appreciated!

Bedside blogging, Day 4

Day 4 in the hospital is just beginning, and depending on the outcome of today's events, I might be writing another update - but we'll see. I finished the test for pre-eclampsia and was told scoring anything above a 300 was officially diagnostic; my score was 285. However, that was MUCH higher than the first time I took the test, so my doctor is convinced that it is only a matter of days before it turns into full blown pre-e. My blood pressure is still high, but my nurses discovered if they had me lay down for 15 minutes before they took it, that it would lower back into the 125/80 range. Until last night, now it seems even while I'm laying down it's staying in the 145/95 range, so it's slowly going up again. On Wednesday I had an ultrasound to check on the girls. The good news was they didn't see any reversal diastolic flow in Evie's umbilical artery this time, so at least that condition isn't getting worse. However, the girls only grew 50g each, which is not very much at all. So not the best ultrasound we could have hoped for, but not the worst. I had my daily NST yesterday which went well for the most part, the girls' hearts looked good - however there were one or two times when Evie's heart showed signs of distress. They were very small and quick, so it's not something the doctors were overly concerned about.
This morning my personal OB came in to see me (have I mentioned how much I love her?) so that we could discuss all of these things and I asked her how long she thought we had, realistically. She told me she thought maybe another week or so, based on the way it appears my pre-eclampsia is developing. Which led to another conversation. She said when the babies are 25 weeks, every day is crucial, even when you're 28 weeks, things can improve vastly in a week. However, at 30 weeks, she said - things really need a week or two to change dramatically (as far as growth and development) - and we probably don't have that much time. Given that information coupled with the apparently decreasing state of Evie's condition, it's starting to look like the risks are outweighing the benefits of keeping the girls in. I will be meeting with another high risk doctor today, but there is a very good chance I will be induced by the end of the weekend. I'll update when I know more.

Bedside blogging, Day 2

I wasn't planning on blogging a second day in a row, as I didn't really think I would have anything new to write about - I was wrong. Last night I had blood labs drawn and they came back showing an elevated liver enzyme count. This coupled with my still increasing blood pressure has led my doctor to believe that I am indeed developing preeclampsia, and it seems to be coming about rapidly. Preeclampsia is mostly dangerous to the mother as it can turn into Eclampsia which can cause seizures - among other things. The only cure for preeclampsia is delivery. This morning my doctor came in to discuss the findings with me and told me that when they do the ultrasound today they are going to check the girls' positions. If they are both head down, she believed it would be best to begin inducing labor. Otherwise, I will continue to be monitored until they decide to remove the girls via C-section. either way it appears that I will be delivering these girls before the week - possibly the day - is over. It's crazy how fast this is all happening, and I can't help but feeling completely unprepared. The NICU doctor just came in to talk to me and was rather reassuring. At 30 weeks, he said, the outlook is very very good. There are still risks and complications and challenges, of course, but as a whole the girls should do well, considering. Now I am waiting for my doctor to come see me and to start the ultrasounds/testing. I'm just trusting God - the timing of all of this is so ironic, that I know there is a plan. My hope and faith is in the Lord - he brought us to this, and He alone will bring us through it.

Bedside blogging

Today I was admitted to the hospital for the remainder of my pregnancy. They don't think the babies are on their way just yet, but we're getting to a point where they need to be monitored much more closely to intervene in case things start going downhill quickly.
When I found out that I was going to be admitted today, I won't lie, my heart sank. While the decision was more or less of my doing - I know it was the smartest and safest choice for my girls, but the idea of being away from home for the next month completely pulled down my spirits. All I could think about was how much I was going to miss my husband and my kitty - it would seem I have attachment issues. They had originally wanted me admitted last night, but it was my sweet husbands birthday and I wanted to spend it with him - the last one we'll celebrate without the girls. We had a good night, dinner and a movie, and some excellent cuddle time before bed. I drank in every second knowing it would be the last time for a long time that we would be able to go on a date like that. this morning he got up and left for work and I began packing my bag. Pajamas, shampoo, laptop, pillow, etc. Everything I would need for the next however many weeks. After a quick trip to the library I was off.
I hauled my duffel bag and laptop bag up to the third floor, unit 1200 and was surprised by the immediate difference between this ward and the rest of the hospital. There are wood floors, curtains, warm colors, not nearly as scary as I had prepared myself for it to be. I was lead to a spacious bright room where I had a bed closest to the windows that provided a somewhat "scenic" view. Okay, well, scenic for Rochester. I felt my blood pressure drop a little bit and thought that I might actually survive this after all. I unpacked my things and started to get settled in. At first I had no roommate, and I thought I hit the jackpot, but it was short lived. Still, I was relieved when they rolled her in to find that she was a quiet young girl, definitely not the worst case scenario.
The nurses came in and took my vitals, confirmed my information, all the usual processes, and then I had my NST. The girls hearts looked good, or stable at least, for now. So I ordered dinner (Chicken quesadillas, rice, and mashed potatoes - which is surprisingly enjoyable) and am now waiting for Marcus to come see me before settling into bed for the night. The nurse just told me the doctors want me to have an IV, bummer, I was hoping to get off without one for a while. Ah well, such is hospital life.

Twin update

As most of you know a few weeks ago the specialist I am seeing diagnosed us with Twin to Twin Transfusion Syndrome and they wanted me to go down to the Childrens Hospital Of Philadelphia (CHOP) to have a laser procedure on the placenta to try and correct the problem. Upon speaking with CHOP they told me they needed more measurements before they could determine whether or not I was a candidate for the surgery, so they were going to wait until I'd had another ultrasound to make a decision. I had that ultrasound one week ago and was assured someone would be in touch with me that evening to let me know where we would be going from there. Thursday night came and went, as did Friday, and the entire weekend. Finally on Monday I called CHOP and asked what was going on and was told my doctors office was supposed to call me Thursday to let me know. Figures. She told me she didn't have the full report of the ultrasound but from what they were given it did not appear to her to be TTTS, but that I needed to see my doctor.

Fast forward to today - I had another ultrasound and met with the specialist immediately afterwords. He told me that while he's not 100% convinced it's not TTTS, I am not a candidate for the surgery. He told me at this point he is still seeing things that are concerning and that we need to be prepared to face the "very real possibility" that Evie will not survive. However, at this point, beyond bed rest and fluid intake, there is nothing we can do but wait and see.

So that's where we are currently. Waiting. Evie is still growing, so thats a good sign, and to be honest I'm rather irritated with the specialist. Every time we see him he's like a walking omen of death - he truly believes, and is trying to convince me, of the worst in this situation. He always seems so sure that at least one baby will die. The frustrating thing is both the nurse and the specialist at CHOP said that yes, Evie is smaller and her fluid level is lower, but otherwise she is stable and other other results are normal. If you ask my specialist, he'd tell you that no, shes not stable, and she probably won't be alive at the next ultrasound. I understand they need to make us aware of the reality, but there's reality and then there's negativity. I refuse to give up hope. She is growing every week, she's moving, she's alive - and my God is bigger than all of this. He gave her life and he can sustain it if he so chooses. I'm not giving up my faith that she can survive this.

As I said before, I my first milestone will be 28 weeks. If we can get there, chances are good that both babies will survive outside of the womb. And it is a real possibility that we will need to deliver much sooner than we'd like, but if we can make it to 28 weeks, every day their chances of being healthy and stable grow. 2 more months. We need God to do this, there is nothing we can do, and we would truly appreciate as many prayers as we can get. I believe fully in the power of prayer, especially united prayer.

So that's where we are - I will continue to have weekly ultrasounds until further notice. If anything changes I'll let you all know. Thank you so much for your prayer and support this far, it means more than you could understand. We love you all.

Update on, well, life!

I know my posts have been few and far between lately, and I really have no excuse considering I'm practically on bed rest at this point. Ah well, blogging is really for the poster anyway, isn't it?

So how to update... I'm currently 18 weeks pregnant with our little twins and we found out two weeks ago that they will be GIRLS! We're so elated, I can't wait to meet my little princess. However, it wouldn't be life without some trial and tribulation - right?

Last week my doctor called me with the results of our 16 week ultrasound and told me there was a trend toward growth discordance in the twins. Twin A - London, seemed to be doing just fine, but twin B - Evie, was measuring 20% behind. This is, needless to say, one piece of news I was neither prepared to happy to hear. Growth discordance can be very dangerous to one or both of the twins - so they wanted me back in two weeks for another ultrasound to measure again. That was yesterday. For a while we were hoping and praying that it was a measurement error, after all when they're so young those things are easy to miscalculate. Unfortunately, the ultrasound technician told me that baby B was clearly smaller, although by how much I don't know just yet. I meet with a specialist on Monday to discuss the severity and seriousness of the growth discordance and until then I am simply praying my heart out.

My husband has been my rock through this, while I'm sure he is just as concerned as I am, his faith and confidence that God has a plan for this has been unwavering. I admit, I am less steady. Although by his example I am gaining a better grip on my faith each day. My ultimate fear is losing my baby, as would be any mother - but I cannot allow myself to think that way, hard as it may be. I've done some research on other twin moms who have gone or are going through this and it is slowly building my confidence. More and more it seems that with the medical advances today that growth discordance is not the death sentence I imagined it to be at first. It's not good - by any means - and it could mean a long hard road for the rest of this pregnancy, but there is hope. One woman I had spoken to has been on hospital bed rest for 7 weeks now, her twins beginning their growth discordance around the same time as mine. She told me at one point they were measuring 7 weeks apart - that's huge! I'm fairly certain that at the worst mine are measuring between a week or two apart, but again I could be wrong - I hope I'm not. If this is the case I am mentally preparing myself for bed rest, hospital bed rest, and premature delivery. I did some more googling and found the following chart. It is the survival rate based on weekly gestation of an infant:

22 weeks: 0-10% survival rate

at 23 weeks: 10-35% survival rate

at 24 weeks: 40-70% survival rate

at 25 weeks: 50-80% survival rate

at 26 weeks: 80-90% survival rate

at 27 weeks: greater than 90% survival rate


I know, it's a morbid subject, and it's not something I'm happy to deal with, but nevertheless its better to be prepared. I'm just a day over 18 weeks so the girls viability is quickly approaching - this is good! My first milestone will be to get both babies to at least 25 weeks. Every week is a milestone after that point but the next big one would be 28 weeks, then 30. If I could make it to 30 weeks before delivering, I will be over the moon. Thats 3 months. Three months seems like a lifetime away, but at the same time it seems like no time at all. I'm trying to trust in God's plan completely - He gave me these babies and I am praying He lets me keep them.

Many people are telling me that this is a test - they may be right. A test to see how much faith I truly have, and I fear I am sadly failing that test. Although every day I fear less and trust more, maybe it's less of a test than a faith building experience. After all - what can I do? Follow doctors orders, but what else? I cannot myself make the babies grow, I cannot protect them from themselves or my body, what happens is in God's hands and that is all there is to it. So I ask only that as I pray, that you would pray with me as well. I love these girls so much, so does their daddy, and I can't imagine losing one of them so far into this process. The more prayers we can get, the better.

Anyway this is long enough for now, if you've made it all the way through I applaud you. I'll update again soon, probably after my meeting with the specialist on Monday when I'll have all kinds of new information (we hope). Until then may God bless your family and keep you in His hands.
Love,
Mommy + 2

An update on the twins

Sorry for the lack of posting lately, this pregnancy has been less than a joy ride thus far. Hyperemesis Gravidarum (just another way of saying excessive puking) has made most normal every day tasks impossible, as most days I can't even sit up without nausea or vomiting. Still, the 2nd trimester is approaching (albeit much more slowly than I want) and I have hope that things will improve at that point.

My husband and I had our second ultrasound a week ago which revealed two quickly growing little peanuts. Baby A had a heart beat of 160 at our 6 week appointment, this time "he" had a hb rate of 185 and measured at 2.26 cm, apx 9w along.

Baby B had a heart beat of 130 at our 6 week appointment and this time had a hb rate of 192 and measured at 2.08 cm, apx 8w5d along.

I'm a little bit worried about the size difference between the two - even though two days doesn't "seem" like that much, in the world of a fetus it's more serious. My babies are also sharing a placenta, which makes them high risk since it increases their chances of developing what the doctors call twin to twin transfusion.

Twin-to-twin transfusion syndrome occurs in identical twins sharing the same placenta. The short version is that one twin receives more of the blood and placenta than the other, which can result in death. There are treatments for TTTS, but it is not a situation I hope to have to face. I'm currently waiting for the doctor to call me back this morning to let me know what her thoughts are on the last ultrasound. Since it is only two days I do have hope that things will be alright, and the fact that the smaller baby had such a good heart beat is reassuring. All I can do is pray.

I thought I'd answer some basic twin questions for those of you curious, so here we go :)

1) Are the twins Identical or Fraternal - and how do you know?
Answer: Our twins are identical! We know because of the way the twins are positioned in the womb. Fraternal twins have their own placenta and sacs, as they come from two separate eggs. Identical twins share a sac/placenta, as they are one egg that split.

2) Do they run in the family?
Answer: Lets start by saying that Fraternal twins are hereditary and are carried on the mother's side. So no, there are no twins on my mothers side of the family. However, even if there were, it wouldn't matter. Identical twins are in no way hereditary. They are merely a blessing from God, a "chance", as previously stated it happens when 1 egg splits, that is not a genetic trait.

3) Do you know what gender they are?
Answer: Not yet, we won't find out for a few weeks or so - but since they are identical, they will be the same gender :)

4) Do twins change the way a pregnancy usually goes?
Answer: Yes! Dramatically! Firstly, if you are pregnant with twins you are automatically considered high risk. Secondly, since there are two and therefore less room to grow, most twins deliver around 36 weeks instead of 40. Twins present a whole new world of risks and complications, but the blessing at the end is worth all the hardships!

If you're curious about anything, please let me know and I'll add some more questions here :) I enjoy sharing my journey in life with people and what is birth if not the beginning of the greatest journey? I'll update as things progress, in the meantime prayers would be wonderful and so much appreciated.
God bless!

As For Me and My House

I haven't been here much lately, as everything exciting that was going on in my life could not be made public until very recently. That being said, Marcus and I are officially expecting! Not only that, but we're expecting TWINS! The news nearly knocked us off our feet, but we have never been more happy, excited, or grateful in our lives. Everyone is asking me if I am afraid of having twins, and I honestly am not - I cannot wait! It's going to be difficult, sure, but every first child is hard! It's going to be a new experience and I'm going to love every exhausting, new, exhilarating moment of it. I do have a history of miscarriage, so we are praying very faithfully that this pregnancy will be different. Thus far, it already is. Previously I had untreated hypothyroidism, which my doctors are fairly confident is the cause of the miscarriages. Also in my previous situations, there was never a heartbeat - but this time there is! We saw two strong heartbeats at 6 weeks and the doctors are confident that it will continue. All those factors aside, God is good and with Him all things are possible! So I am simply keeping faith in the fact that he will walk us through this and keep our little ones safe - and if not, there is a reason.
Anyway, I digress. The inspiration for my blog today came from a conversation I had at work today regarding some of my ideals and opinions in regards to raising my children. My decision to use cloth diapering, home-school, and frugal shopping at gently used stores were ridiculed and mocked. It was then followed by someone saying that all new mothers have these great ideas that they're going to do things differently but eventually they all just fall into the easier way of doing things. It was right then that I realized something. My decision to pursue a healthy lifestyle does not end with eating the right way. Its so much more than that. Its about raising my kids with a dedication and commitment to bringing them up in a way that's best for them and their future. I will not take the easy way out. I will be stronger than that. I will not compromise whats right for whats easy. So even if its a little more inconvenient to do another load of wash instead of throwing hundreds of diapers in the garbage, if it takes more effort to teach my children myself so that I know they're being learning good morals and the truth, and if buying someone elses baby clothes that were worn once helps my family to survive so that we can afford for me to stay home and raise my children, I have NO problem with that. Others will chose their own paths - but as for me and my house, we will serve the Lord.

March... In like a lion, out like a lamb?

Whew! What a blustery beginning we had to March! Okay, technically it was an end to February, but in my book it still counts. Here in good ol' upstate NY they say that March is the craziest month for winter storms, but after this, spring begins to pop up. Ah spring! This will be our first spring/summer on this all natural lifestyle, and I've gotta say I'm SO excited! There are just so many things that you can do that you cant really in winter. Marcus and I are going to be starting our "self sustaining" journey this summer - we plan to do the "easy" stuff - you know, Tomatoes, Peppers, Carrots, Garlic, Herbs, Strawberries, Raspberries, etc. It also marks the beginning of really good produce at our local Farmers Market (which just so happens to be right down the road!). It's open year round, but lets face it - who trusts red peppers in the middle of winter that are actually "local"? Not I. In fact, my hope is to grow enough produce to either jar or freeze so that I can use them throughout the year and not worry about buying them from the stores. I think a good way to go about this is by purchasing local organic fruits and vegetables from someone else during the summer months, and canning/jarring/freezing all of our self grown produce to use during the winter. I use lots of tomatoes so that will be on the top of the list for sure. I also want to be able to make my own jam, so it's going to be a summer full of experimenting! Hopefully the end of the year will also bring about some bulk meat purchasing from Lindsay at Smoke Ridge Organics - which means we will be working on the farm as part of her Co-Op plan. It should be good times! Also, we soon hope to make it out to the country to purchase raw milk, as we have yet to do so, and I very much want to.

Another step we've taken is one to eliminate chemicals and junk from our home by purchasing Soap Nuts. These are exactly what they sound like! All Natural little soap nuts that grow on a tree and are harvested. You can use them from everything from Laundry to all purpose spray - really the possibilities are endless. And if you buy them in bulk, they are SO affordable! Marcus and I purchased the 5lb bag and intend to use it for laundry. You throw 5 of the little soap nuts into the wash bag it comes with (all natural fabric, of course!) and throw it in with your laundry. No detergent, no fabric softeners - it does it all! Typical life of a batch (5) of soap nuts is apx 5-6 loads in hot water, and up to 10 loads in cold water. That means if you use mostly cold water you could get about 1400 loads out of the 5lb bag - and it costs 48 dollars. Break that down - it comes out to about 3 cents a load! I think I can handle that! Not even the store bought detergents are that cheap! We haven't used them yet so I cannot vouch for their effectiveness, but once we get them in and use them, I'll be sure to let you all know!

We're going strong together and I feel better about myself and our life every day. And I can totally notice now when I eat something "unnatural" - my body is beginning to reject it, and its almost hard for me to stomach now. This lets me know I am on the right path and my body will thank me for it for years down the road. I hope you're all doing well out there! I'll be sure to blog again soon :)

May God bless you and keep you and your family safe in His arms!

E. Coli Beef Recall

After watching Food Inc, my husband and I have been much more conscientious of the types of meat we're putting into our bodies, espically beef. There's just something about knowing your hamburger has been through an ammonia wash that makes it a little hard to, well, swallow. For our wedding (as you will see in upcoming posts) we had all organic meat that was provided by a friend of mine, Lindsay who runs a local c-op called Smoke Ridge Organics and Butterfly Farm; and after reading about the most recent E. Coli beef recall, I am SO glad we did! If you haven't seen Food Inc yet PLEASE see it, they talk so much about things like this. I refuse to be one of the masses that suffer from the side effects of this type of food.. Buying local grassfed meats has never been so necessary as it is now.

Homemade French Onion Soup

A few weeks ago I made a meal using organic french onion soup, and I was advised to make sure I knew exactly what was in the soup because sometimes there were some little hidden ingredients that we don't need or want. So this time, I made my own! I'm going to be using it for the classic french onion soup dish some night this week for dinner, and I'm also going to use it for my grandma's french onion roast tomorrow night (I "splurged" on a grass fed chuck roast) - two birds, one stone =) I thought you might enjoy this recipe, its so easy! You pretty much spend about 20 minutes on it in the beginning and then let it do its thing the rest of the time.

French Onion Soup
4 Large Sweet/Vidalia Onions
6 cups organic beef broth
2 tbsp butter
3/4 cup red wine
1 tsp organic cane sugar
2 tsp kosher salt
2 tsp Worcestershire sauce
fresh ground pepper

Heat a pan on medium low and add butter
Slice onions very thin and add to the pan
Season with salt and pepper
Let the onions cook until translucent - about 15 minutes on the lower heat setting
Add 1 cup of beef broth and worcestershire sauce
Let the broth cook down with the onions until the onions appear brown in color
Add the rest of the broth and wine and bring to a boil for 5 minutes
Turn the heat down to low and cover
Let simmer as long as possible - the longer you can do this, the richer the flavor will be
Enjoy!

Lifting the veil

I never noticed, until recently, all the garbage that the food industries try to feed us - no pun intended (okay, maybe a little one). Now that I know more about how the production and processing companies work, I see these things all over the place. Things I'd never have seen before, but that I'm sensitive to now. Things that would make you believe what God provides just isn't good enough. Today I saw a vegetable wash that said "because rain just isn't enough!", a few days ago I saw some fruit with the phrase "giving nature a helping hand", a box of popsicle's I wanted to buy said "all natural" but when I looked at the ingredients it included all kinds of junk, like high fructose corn syrup. The supermarket is FULL of it - nothing less than false advertising more often than not, gross exaggeration at other times, and omission of facts others. I love Wegmans, so its hard for me to admit that theyre part of this game, but when I asked them today where their beef came from I was told they didn't know, other than it comes from Canada, USA, and Mexico. Great. You don't even know what country your meat is coming from?? The food industry wants to keep us from the truth, that their products are ALL about benefiting them and truly they could care less about what happens to you. I'm taking a hospitality class in college and one of the sentences in my reading today said, flat out, that the hospitality and tourism industry's goal is to "extract as much money from the customer as you can without losing him/her". This is what these people are TOLD to do when they earn their degree! And you had best believe they are so good at what they do! Their goal is to squeeze every cent out of you and hold on to every penny they possibly can - it doesn't matter what lies they tell you, so long as you add another figure to their profit. I will be one less person to buy into their gimmicks, I am going to put my faith, family, and health before putting chemicals into my body to simply save a buck. Don't be blinded by the lies, the truth is all around you - you just have to open your eyes.

Sawmill Gravy

This morning I made some of my homemade biscuits and sawmill gravy. I was going to post a picture until I realized the picture just really doesn't make it look very appetizing lol so just trust me on this - it's really good! Here's the recipe

Sawmill Gravy (my way)

4 pieces of organic bacon (I had to use up what was left of mine from before, but this can be easily omitted)
1/2 lb ground turkey
1 tablespoon honey
1 1/2 cups whole wheat (or 50/50) flour
1 tbspn organic butter
Kosher Salt
Pepper
Milk

Cook the bacon in a large pot until done, remove pieces and set aside on paper towel
Add the turkey to the hot pan (should still have some grease in it) - if you want to dump the bacon grease and use a healthier oil, you can definitely do so
Add the honey on top of the turkey while browning
Cut up the bacon into little bits and add to the browned turkey
Add the flour and mix until absorbed by the meat
Add butter and mix in as well
Add milk until meat is covered (make sure pan is on medium high heat)
Stir and wait for mix to boil, it will thicken
Add more milk, stir, wait for it to reach thickness again
continue to do this until you have a good "gravy" consistency
Season liberally with kosher salt and pepper
Serve over warm biscuits and enjoy :)

Zuppa Toscana

So I know this type of blog has been done not long ago by another poster, but I thought I'd post my version since this is a staple in my home. This is my version of Olive Garden's Zuppa Toscana, I hope you enjoy it as much as we do! (Note: I think by now you should know that whenever I list an ingredient that it is organic ((like the onions and what not)) so I'm going to stop writing "organic" and "all natural" next to every single thing, I think youre smart enough to get the point!)

1 lb of ground turkey
1 1/2 tsp fennel seeds
1 - 2 tablespoons Italian seasoning
1/4 tsp crushed red pepper flakes
1 tsp celery salt
1 large or 2 small onions, minced
5 cloves of garlic, minced
4 large potatoes (I used russet), diced with skin on
4 pieces of organic bacon**
Kosher salt
Freshly ground black pepper
6 cups of chicken broth
2 - 3 cups of milk
2 cups of water
1 Bunch of Kale

In a pan fry up the bacon and set to drain on a towel
While the pan is hot add the diced garlic and onion and saute
Meanwhile, add water and chicken broth to a stock pot and bring to a boil
Add the onion/garlic mix to the pot, then add the diced potatoes and let the potatoes cook
Add the ground turkey, fennel, italian seasoning, red pepper flakes, and celery salt to the hot pan that the onions were in and brown
Once meat is cooked through, add to the stock pot
Pat the bacon completely dry (we don't want any extra fat/grease!!)
Chop into little bits and add to the soup
Chop up the kale (the more the better! I used the whole thing because I LOVE kale and its so good for you!)
Add the kale to stock pot and let it cook for about 15 - 20 minutes
Add the milk to the mix - your soup should be an off whiteish/pale yellow color, if it seems like its too yellow, add more milk!
Season with salt and pepper to taste - once you get the right amount of salt the soup really reaches its full potential!

**About the bacon: I have, thus far, not been able to locate any all natural/organic turkey bacon in my area. If you can, absolutely use it. So instead I opted for pork bacon, but it is all natural and without any preservatives, nitrites, or nitrates. The chemicals will do me far more harm than the organic pork will. If you have neither turkey nor pork bacon offered organically, by all means use the turkey bacon, as it is better for you in terms of health. Or you may of course omit it all together, the choice is yours :)

Breakfast Buttermilk Biscuits

Yesterday Marcus took me on a trip out to Amish Country in New York. We stopped at a lot of cute shops, had a delicious lunch at Essenhaus, an Amish Restaurant, and stopped at an Amish Country store. This place was pretty neat in that they sold a lot of things you might find in stores in bulk. Things like popcorn seeds, all the flavoring powders you could dream of, bulk cereal marshmallows and a few other things. While it was cool to walk around in, I didn't see much that I would buy - as hardly anything was organic. However, Marcus did find his long sought after Sorghum Molasses and requested biscuits for breakfast this morning. I had made buttermilk biscuits a hundred times before but not since I changed my lifestyle - so it was a challenge. And let me say, they turned out awesome! On my first try! I thought you all might enjoy this one too, so here ya go =)


Buttermilk Biscuits
2 Cups of Flour (Note: For my baking I have started using Hodgson Mill's all natural 50/50 flour as I find I like the lighter flavor in my baked goods)
1/2 tsp baking soda
1/2 tsp kosher salt
3/4 cup buttermilk
1 stick of cold organic butter
1/2 tsp grape seed oil for oiling your pan

Pre-heat oven to 450
Mix all the dry ingredients together
Cut the butter into small pieces and add to dry mix - mix butter in until you reach a meal like consistency (if you have a food processor, a few pulses should do it)
Add the buttermilk until just mixed (do not overmix! if you do your biscuits will not be as fluffy!)
Once combined roll out the dough onto a lightly floured surface and flatten to about 1/2 an inch thick
Cut the biscuits into circles. I used the open side of a glass (upside down). Once I cut out all the biscuits I combined the remainder of the dough and continued to do that until I only had enough for one more biscuit so I had shaped it
Lay biscuits down in your lightly oiled pan so that they are touching - For this part I recommend using a cake/pie pan or something with high walls, this makes the biscuits rise more
Bake for 12 minutes - try not to bake much less than this as the wheat flour adds a density that is offset but a little longer baking time
Once done remove from pan so the bottoms don't continue to bake - Marcus topped his with the Sorghum Molasses, I opted for Honey (yum!) but you can use anything you'd like.
Enjoy!

Name Change

So you probably have noticed the name change for the blog - sorry about the confusion. Sweet Simplicity is the name I am going to use for my bakery when I open it and I found it to be much more fitting for the way I see my mission in this organic journey. Different name, same game =)