Something is stirring

Lately I've been feeling God's tug on my heart more and more, and every day it's stronger, more prevalent. I can even pinpoint it's origin - since the day one of my baby girls came home from the hospital (come on, Evie, we're waiting for you!). In fact as I write this now I am sitting in the rocking chair in our nursery listening to London's little coos and endearing grunts (yes, my daughter is a grunter) while she sleeps (which will only last another 30 minutes or so, based on her ever increasing noises and movements). I don't know how or why, but since that time something has changed within me. I find myself longing for more, yearning to go deeper, to be different, to step outside of the little bubble I feel like I've been living in. I have technically been a mother since September 16th, but it was only once I was actually in charge of this precious little baby's care that things really began changing. Now that I have a responsibility to these girls, my motivations are changing rapidly. From small things like doing laundry every day (if you know me, you probably don't believe this) to large things like a desire need to revamp my entire world. Actually, I feel like that's exactly what God is calling me to do - and I am getting so excited.

I'm currently reading a book called Revolutions in World Missions by K P Yohannan, and even just a few chapters in I felt my spirit stirring. For so long now I have been living a life of safe consistency (barring a few obstacles with my pregnancy and the days immediately following). Things like miracles and the frightening power of God had become almost fairy tales in my life. Sure, I believed in those things. Back then. But not anymore. No, no. Now God is the tame constant companion in my tame constant life. It wasn't like this always though. When I was younger I lived with a fervor for Christ. I believed wholeheartedly in his miracles and that he was still alive and active in the world. I was also somewhat of a zealot. I was judgmental and somewhat haughty, I was harsh towards those who I believed were not living the way they should. Even though I, myself, made some huge mistakes, I also had huge faith. It seemed a fair balance to me.



And then I grew up a little. I went to churches that tainted my view on Christianity a little. I was dragged down a little. My conscience became dulled little, by little, by little, until my walk with Christ was little more than an hour in church on Sundays (the Sundays I managed to go, that is). I began to compromise on life. Things that were so blatantly black and white before turned into shades of gray. I did, however, learn more of mercy and grace - this is one of the redeeming qualities I feel I gained from that time in my life. I stopped being so judgmental. Sadly, this turned into lowering of standards, which turned into a "to each their own" mentality - until I came to a point where I was practically setting no standards at all. I feel like I drifted from one extreme to another.


But that's all changing now, I feel my spirit beginning to awaken again. Like something ancient shaking off the dust and beginning to rise from its stagnancy. I feel like I now understand the depth behind C.S. Lewis's quote, "Some day you will be old enough to start reading fairy tales again". I have moved past my self importance, I am old enough to know that I don't know much, and I believe that is the beginning of knowledge. I feel the coals that were barely smoldering being stoked, and the flames growing hotter. I feel myself coming back to life. My thoughts are being reinforced almost everywhere, in passing comments with strangers, songs on the radio, conversations with friends.

Today I felt God's presence in a way I have not experienced in a long time. Too long. It was obvious and intense and unmistakable that this is the path I am meant to begin heading down. All that's left to discover is where it will take me. I am becoming impassioned about finding out His will and plan, so I am going to dive into the word more, spend more time in prayer, and just wait for Him to speak to me again.

So many questions lay before me, but there's one thing I know without a doubt. This is real.

Technological Generation

On my way home from dinner tonight my husband told me that when we arrived at home he was going to watch some football and go to bed, and asked if that's what I would be doing as well. I shrugged non-nonchalantly and he said "well not JUST watch football, obviously, you'd have your laptop too." He then commented on how we always have more than one electronic entertaining us at one time, and how it'd be fun to just use one sometime. I reminded him that we did when we watched a movie the other night and he said it didn't count because we were doing another activity (putting together a ridiculously poorly designed changing table). The conversation was about 15 seconds long, but it made me think for the remainder of our 20 minute car ride about the truth behind what he said.

We are a technological generation. Cell phones, laptops, Ipads, mp3 players, Kindles, Blackberries. We have it all, and we use it all, sometimes all at once, on a daily basis. Our minds are so completely over stimulated that we've become almost "immune" to the effects of a single event. When was the last time that you watched a movie, and just the movie? In the theater, we are texting; at home, we're on our laptops. We've become so used to one thing, we now need more to keep our attention - it's like an addiction. Rather, I'd say it IS an addiction. And almost everyone I know is "guilty" of this - myself included, and probably more so than others.

At the same time, I desire to know God, and often wonder how I can know him more? How can I be closer? Psalm 46:10 tells us. "Be still and know that I am God"

Be still.

It seems an almost impossible feat these days! And I believe it is MEANT to be that way. Now, I am not one of those "Technology is evil" people. No no. I love the technology that we have and what it has done for our world. Mostly. Medical advances have kept my daughters alive, the internet helps us keep in touch with people we would otherwise lose contact with, we can find information that we need in the blink of an eye, computers make things much more convenient. But there's another side to the coin. Pornography is available at our fingertips at any second, movies bombard us with sex, drugs, and violence, and the radio is no better. They are overwhelming distractions, all designed to pull our attention away from the one voice that matters. The smallest voice in the crowd. The one that merely whispers our name and waits for us to listen and respond.

Even while I was in the midst of these things, and asking God to speak to me, to reveal His voice to me, my thoughts drifted with the radio. It was truly a struggle to keep my focus on my prayer, and I could literally feel my mind being tugged away. It reminded me of that video that I saw on the internet - it was a drama put to the song "Everything" by Lifehouse. I'm sure you've seen it, if you haven't you can watch it here. Satan does not want us to be still. He wants us to rush rush rush through life, from one mindless distraction to another, in order to keep us from hearing what God has to say.

So tonight I said a prayer. I asked God to still my heart, quiet my mind, and whisper to me that I might hear him. I want to hear him. I need to hear him.

Don't you?

London and Evie are here - Our birth story!

On Wednesday morning I had my scheduled ultrasound to measure the girls' growth. Going into the day I knew that if Evie hadn't grown much that there was a real possibility we would be moving towards delivery. After 45 minutes of scanning and measuring we discovered that Evie only grew 30 grams - which she should have grown in a day, by normal standards. They told us she was weighing in at around 1 lb 14 oz. I then learned that even London's growth was slowing down, and she was now measuring at only the 19th percentile - a month ago she was at the 40th. I knew in my gut that this meant we would be delivering, but I was wheeled back to my room to wait for the doctor. 15 minutes later I met with Dr. Sandruck, the high risk OB on, and she told me that my babies were no longer growing like they should be and would do better on the outside than they were staying in, so they were inducing. I frantically made phone calls and began packing up my room so that I could be moved to the Labor and Delivery wing. The waiting is always the worst part, and poor Marcus was staying at work until they actually began to induce. I was warned that the induction process could take anywhere from 12 hours to 2 or 3 days, so to be prepared for the long road ahead.
They wheeled me over to L&D at 1pm and I got settled in and waited for my doctor and Marcus arrived shortly after and at 4pm we began the induction. I honestly could not have been more excited. We had known all along that the girls were going to be premature, but the fact that they made it as far as they did bolstered my spirits, and lets be honest - I was SO ready to be done with this pregnancy. To begin they inserted Cervidil, a string like contraption to help my cervix soften and get it ready for induction, which I had to leave in for 12 hours before beginning the Petocin. I was hooked up to an NST machine to monitor the babies heartbeats the entire time to make sure they were tolerating the induction. My mom showed up a few hours later, her excitement only increased mine. She was so wonderful while she was with me, rubbing my legs, which the contractions were hurting for some reason, ticking my arm, rubbing my head, whatever I needed she was there. I love my mommy and am so grateful to her for all her help and support. Around 8pm I started having slight contractions that became more and more frequent until finally they lasted about 45 seconds each and were about 4 minutes apart. It was at this point that I really regretted not reading those birthing books, having assumed I was just going to have a c-section, but I was able to breathe through them fairly easily for the time being.


At 4am they came in and checked my cervix, I had gone from 2cm dilated to about 3.5 cm dilated and had softened enough that they were comfortable starting the Petocin, so at 8 am they began the drip. My contractions became more intense and the babies seemed to tolerate it well. Around 5:30pm my water broke on its own *hooray!* I was SO excited lol My nurse said she couldn't believe how much fluid there was, but we would find out later that both the girls' water broke at the exact same time. At that point the doctor came in to examine me and discovered I was 5.5 cm dilated and 75% effaced, he said from that point on I should expect to dilate another 1 cm every hour, but that he was surprised how quickly I was moving along. The contractions became even more intense and the doctors kept asking me if I wanted an epidural, but honestly it was nothing I couldn't breathe through. so I kept declining.  Everything looked so promising at that point, and I knew we were close! Unfortunately it was right around this time that I started feeling ridiculously sick to my stomach again. My doctor said she thought it was a combination of not eating for over 24 hours, sleep deprivation, and the labor kicking in. Puking in labor has now become my LEAST favorite thing to do. (Puking in labor during a contraction while getting a Spinal is even worse, but we'll get to that later). The contractions were now about 1 minute long and 3 - 4 minutes apart, and I was still holding my own without an epidural.
Unfortunately right around this time - as the contractions were at their most intense - the girls' heart rates started dropping dramatically every time I would have a contraction. My doctor decided to take me off the NST machine and switch to internal fetal monitoring - where they put a tiny monitor on baby A's head to get a more consistent reading. At this point they also injected some fluid back into my uterus to try and help cushion the contractions. After watching for about 20 minutes I realized her heart still wasn't handling the contractions well, so I called the doctor in and we talked about our options. She said based on how far dilated I was (7cm at this point) and the fact that the baby still hadn't completely dropped that we were looking at probably another 2 - 3 hours of labor. I have always wanted to have a natural delivery, but at that point I realized no birth plan was worth risking my girls going into heart failure. I trust my doctor completely, so I asked her what she thought was best. She said knowing what we do, with still so many hours to go, the safest thing would to take them via c-section, but that it was entirely my choice. I knew she was right, so I told her that I thought it was best if we just went in for the C-section now.

They turned off the petocin and called the surgical team to begin preparations for my girls. It was at this point that my contractions hit their peak, they became harder to simply breathe through, and I continued having them all the way to the OR. They walked me through the process and began to administer the Spinal block, a shot in my back that would cause me to go "numb" from the ribs downward. One last contraction and the spinal was administered. It was at this point that we discovered why the contractions had suddenly gotten so much worse - in an hour I had gone from 7cm to fully dilated. My doctor told me before she started and said that while I had dilated completely, it would still be a little while for the baby to drop, as she was still pretty high up - but that it was my choice whether or not I wanted to wait and try pushing or continue with the C-section. I decided for the sake safety, and the fact that I had already gotten the spinal, I was going to continue with the C-section. So with Marcus by my side, they began.

I remember it being the strangest sensation, with 3 pairs of hands in my abdomen pushing and pulling at my muscles. About 30 minutes later they announced to me that they were about to take the girls out, and then at 8:18pm on September 16th, 2010 they were here. I wasn't able to see them because of the sheet they had up between us, but I heard my sweet little girls cry and I gripped Marcus' hand tighter. They began closing me back up for what seemed like forever, and then they wheeled the girls past me in their incubators. I saw London first - she weighed 3lbs 3oz and was 15 and 1/8 inches long. She was perfect, 10 fingers, 10 toes, and she looked like a tiny human being. Then they took her off to the NICU and Evie's incubator took her place. At 2lbs 1oz and 14 and 3/4 inches long, she looked like a little baby doll. They told me both girls were breathing on their own, though they would be on a CPAP (an oxygen tube that is inserted into their noses) until they were sure everything was stable. But my little girls were ok.

I was in recovery for about 2 hours, still incredibly sick to my stomach and completely drained mentally and physically. It had been a long sleepless 35 hours. They brought me back to my room where I fell asleep within seconds.

I saw the girls about 1 pm this afternoon for the first time since they were born. They were so tiny in their little incubators, but they were so precious. Evie is actually doing better with her breathing than London, but they expect both will be breathing 100% on their own without any medical intervention by tomorrow. We're also hoping I will be able to hold the girls tomorrow as well, but it may still be a few days before that can happen. I am just so blessed that they are hanging in there as well as they are. I have begun pumping and hope to get my milk in soon, but for now they are not eating - just receiving nutrition via IV. They nurse said that feeding will be our first big hurdle, but I am praying they take to it easily when the time comes. I'm sore, as is to be expected, and will just be resting up the next few days, but so far my recovery is going well. We will update on the girls as we go along, and thank you all for your love and prayers and support - we love you all!

Evie Alexandria Martin

Evie looking at mommy

Daddy with his littlest girl

London Aubrey Rose

My sweet little girl

Daddy and London

Bedside blogging, Day 16 - D Day

This morning I woke up to nurses going through our usual routine - blood pressure, dopplers, medication, etc. I was anxious to get the day started because I knew I was having an ultrasound that would determine our next course of action in regards to delivery. I ordered my breakfast and by the time I was done they were wheeling the chair over to bring me in for my ultrasound. From watching the tech take the measurements I could tell that both of my girls were smaller than they should be, I just wondered if they'd grown at all - which was the determining factor in delivering or not. She finished the exam after about 45 minutes and said she wanted to call the doctor to have her look over the results, so I was wheeled back to my room to wait. About 15 minutes later the high risk OB (or Perientologist) came in and shook my hand and said "So! We're inducing you today". I was thankful for the bluntness, to be honest. She told me that Evie only grew 30 grams over the past two weeks - at this point she should be growing that much per day/every two days. Even London's growth was slowing down, which is a little concerning and makes us think the placenta is breaking down or that my pre-eclampsia is causing more issues. As of right now Evie is *just* a hair under 2 lbs and London is just over 3 lbs.
Right now I am waiting for a room to open up in Labor and Delivery and then I will be moving over there, at which point they will begin inducing me. I'm going to be on a Petocin drip to induce me, and we're not sure how long it's going to take from there. It could be a few hours, or it could be a day or two, it's really uncertain and all depends on how my body responds and how "ready" it is for labor. Marcus is still at work and is just waiting for me to let him know when they begin inducing before he leaves, poor guy is so anxious lol.
I'm nervous, I'm nervous for delivery and I'm nervous for my little twincesses. I know they're going to be small and I'm praying that they do well on the outside. I'm laying here feeling them flip flop around in my belly, knowing this is the last day I'll ever feel them kick, is sort of sad. I love keeping them close and while I will be SO glad to be done with this pregnancy, I am going to miss my girls. It's so surreal to think in a few hours I will see their little faces and touch their tiny toes. Please keep the girls in your prayers, we're going to have a few rough weeks ahead of us. And if you wanted to send out a prayer for their mama, I wouldn't complain ;)

Bedside blogging, Day 11

Sorry for the lack of new posts lately, but not much has changed until today. Up until a few days ago everything was holding steady and my OB wanted me to make it to 32 weeks before we had to deliver (I am 31 weeks and 1 day today). So the daily NSTs (non stress tests - which monitors the babies' heart activity) and weekly ultrasounds continued. This week Evie has failed 3 out of 4 of her NSTs, which has resulted in ultrasounds to ensure everything was okay. So far the ultrasounds looked fine, with the exception of the reversal blood flow in her umbilical cord, which they have been seeing more consistently.
This morning a high risk OB came in to talk to me and said based on the fact that she's beginning to fail the NSTs and that they're seeing more persistent reversal flow, we may now be at the point where it's better to deliver than it is to keep them in. We're going to do another NST today and I also have an ultrasound scheduled - based on the results from those, we may be delivering as soon as today. Still, we've said that before, everything depends on the results of the tests today. We will keep you posted as we know more. Prayers are still appreciated!

Bedside blogging, Day 4

Day 4 in the hospital is just beginning, and depending on the outcome of today's events, I might be writing another update - but we'll see. I finished the test for pre-eclampsia and was told scoring anything above a 300 was officially diagnostic; my score was 285. However, that was MUCH higher than the first time I took the test, so my doctor is convinced that it is only a matter of days before it turns into full blown pre-e. My blood pressure is still high, but my nurses discovered if they had me lay down for 15 minutes before they took it, that it would lower back into the 125/80 range. Until last night, now it seems even while I'm laying down it's staying in the 145/95 range, so it's slowly going up again. On Wednesday I had an ultrasound to check on the girls. The good news was they didn't see any reversal diastolic flow in Evie's umbilical artery this time, so at least that condition isn't getting worse. However, the girls only grew 50g each, which is not very much at all. So not the best ultrasound we could have hoped for, but not the worst. I had my daily NST yesterday which went well for the most part, the girls' hearts looked good - however there were one or two times when Evie's heart showed signs of distress. They were very small and quick, so it's not something the doctors were overly concerned about.
This morning my personal OB came in to see me (have I mentioned how much I love her?) so that we could discuss all of these things and I asked her how long she thought we had, realistically. She told me she thought maybe another week or so, based on the way it appears my pre-eclampsia is developing. Which led to another conversation. She said when the babies are 25 weeks, every day is crucial, even when you're 28 weeks, things can improve vastly in a week. However, at 30 weeks, she said - things really need a week or two to change dramatically (as far as growth and development) - and we probably don't have that much time. Given that information coupled with the apparently decreasing state of Evie's condition, it's starting to look like the risks are outweighing the benefits of keeping the girls in. I will be meeting with another high risk doctor today, but there is a very good chance I will be induced by the end of the weekend. I'll update when I know more.

Bedside blogging, Day 2

I wasn't planning on blogging a second day in a row, as I didn't really think I would have anything new to write about - I was wrong. Last night I had blood labs drawn and they came back showing an elevated liver enzyme count. This coupled with my still increasing blood pressure has led my doctor to believe that I am indeed developing preeclampsia, and it seems to be coming about rapidly. Preeclampsia is mostly dangerous to the mother as it can turn into Eclampsia which can cause seizures - among other things. The only cure for preeclampsia is delivery. This morning my doctor came in to discuss the findings with me and told me that when they do the ultrasound today they are going to check the girls' positions. If they are both head down, she believed it would be best to begin inducing labor. Otherwise, I will continue to be monitored until they decide to remove the girls via C-section. either way it appears that I will be delivering these girls before the week - possibly the day - is over. It's crazy how fast this is all happening, and I can't help but feeling completely unprepared. The NICU doctor just came in to talk to me and was rather reassuring. At 30 weeks, he said, the outlook is very very good. There are still risks and complications and challenges, of course, but as a whole the girls should do well, considering. Now I am waiting for my doctor to come see me and to start the ultrasounds/testing. I'm just trusting God - the timing of all of this is so ironic, that I know there is a plan. My hope and faith is in the Lord - he brought us to this, and He alone will bring us through it.